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Romantic
Love
The
truth about romantic love is revered by those who seek it, and
reviled by those who fail to understand.
The concept was born in the romance
of medieval literature and praised as an important aspect of chivalry.
What we have inherited of this idea and recognize as our own is
little more than an empty shell. It lacks all those contributing
factors of chivalry on which it is based. We hold an attractive
yet incomplete understanding of one of the most beautiful experiences
that a man or woman can ever know. When the expectations of this
shell fail, people question fate and eventually become disenchanted
with romantic love (or amor) altogether.
Medieval amor was elevated to the
status of a ideal through its association with the biblical declaration
that God is love. This gave it a certain sanctioned
moral autonomy that clerics frowned upon during the Middle Ages,
but could not condemn. For those who experienced such love, the
life-changing experience could almost be described as sacramental.
Amor did not happen without reason,
despite contrary opinions at the time. It occurred to knights who
were chivalrous and ladies who believed in high ideals. The principles
they embraced shaped their entire outlook on life, and disciplined
them to express those ideals in everyday living.
Chivalrous knights believed in the
virtues of honesty, loyalty, dedication, justice, and service to
all women. This by itself positioned them to make a higher form
of love possible, contributing those vital elements conducive to
love. It helped to fashion male/female relationships built on the
complimentary virtues of their genders.
Loyalty, honor and truth were not
just words to them. They were not ploys meant to manipulate a woman's
feelings. They defined the honorable mentality of those who believed
in them.
Today we equate romantic love with
the initial attraction between the sexes, when the hormones run
wild and we become obsessed with the woman of our attention. Romance
takes place during the courtship phase, when each partner is trying
to impress the other. Our movies and literature reflect this, and
always seem to end when the couple finally comes together or gets
married.
Unfortunately, the template we inherited
abruptly ends there. It does not tell us how to fuel a love relationship
beyond the point of "boy gets girl."
The man of chivalry knows that true
love is not a fire that burns quickly and then disappears. It comes
from seeing that other person without illusion, and making a commitment
to her completely. He sees the freshness of her existence every
time he looks at her, year after year. He sees her unique qualities
and revels in his experience of them. The commitment is for life,
because it is life.
The qualities of chivalry support
such a relationship through attention, dedication and willing partnership.
There can be no other woman for this man. She fulfills him, and
he fulfills her. They are gentle to each other, defend each other,
protect each other. Each contributes far more than 50%. They give
each other space when necessary, but always spring back to that
initial warmth and comfort.
They say that a good marriage takes
work. Maybe that's true. For the couple really in love, however,
it is not work. It is the happy compulsion of their feelings.
Romantic love can also be viewed as
the final test of chivalry. Nothing is as personally demanding
as being true to your own virtues in a daily relationship with someone
of the other sex. Here your manhood is tested for what it is. The
woman you love is not one of the boys. She is your special other,
the planet around which you spin. You are the protector. Her welfare
must come before your own.
The romances tell us that the woman
we love provides us with the inspiration to live right and do our
very best. This is an incredible impetus to chivalry that must be
taken seriously.
Remember, she is not your slave or
servant. You are hers, but in the manly sense of willingly placing
your strength and dedication at her disposal. It is a choice of
virtue. If you choose your lover right, she will never take advantage
of this, but appreciate it fully and dedicate her qualities in return.
There is certitude here. You can trust this kind of love and put
your complete faith in it.
If truth remains your primary principle,
then there is no illusion in this. True love is the obliteration
of illusion. This requires a certain amount of maturity, and careful
attention when choosing your mate.
But it all starts in who you are as
a man and what you believe in. I cannot stress this enough. Women
tend to be more prepared for long-term relationships and creating
family cohesiveness than men are. It is a more obvious part of their
nature, which men have to learn. In relationships, we need to surrender
some of our much vaulted independence.
For what? For the warmth and tenderness
and magic that defines true bliss. This does not mean there will
not be problems. What it does mean is that you will not be facing
these problems alone.
Building the right relationship with
a woman is what being a man is all about.
See
Quest article on Women
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